Late 30s going on 70

It finally feels like fall here, it was about 48F when I took the kids to school and daycare. Enjoyed getting dressed for that sort of weather, not so much sunscreen and sweat. And my ears don’t hurt in the wind anymore thanks to the hydroxychloroquine, turns out that was Raynaud’s. But the joint pain is much more obvious with the cold. That might improve over time, but this is my now.

Late-30s going on 70. I’ve been taking a lot of comfort in Ursula Le Guin’s writing, as usual, but her writing on aging and the fallibility of the body is particularly resonant.

The pain in my feet, knees, and hips was enough the other day that it suddenly dawned on me. Do I need a cane? Maybe I need a cane. Let’s get a cane. I found a secondhand one online from some estate sale in California and sawed it down to size. I won’t need it often, but there’s something about having something that I picked, that someone else previously found useful, that I modified just for me, that makes life-changing pain a little more visible when it’s not that obvious, pain that I can’t explain to acquaintances, friends, strangers, without bursting in to tears. Having something to hold, to lean on, to signify “hey, maybe let me take that bus seat if that’s alright”, is really comforting.

I’m hoping that visual signifiers will also help with the kids. That’s the hardest, most sorrowful part. Reminding him that I have “inside boo-boos” when he wants to play bath monsters, “I know mommy”, running to ask daddy instead. Her looking at me carefully with her big blue eyes saying “oo okayee?” when I wince after she jumps in to my lap. Yes, I’m okay my love. I’m not, but I’m okay enough.

My dad has dealt with chronic pain for years. I had no idea how much it drains the soul. I’m sorry.

It’s not all bad. Like I said, my ears don’t hurt in the cold now. Though everything else does, how’s that for a tradeoff. I can have dairy again, the lactose intolerance was a part of it all. And my highest and lowest notes are back with zero effort on my part, which was truly a shock.

So many things to be thankful for (insurance, savings, time, Sam, friends, family, neighbors, modern medicine, our walkable neighborhood, a good rheumatologist). And Carole King. How had I not listened to “Tapestry” in full before. What an unbelievable album. I put it on in a particularly low moment after I stumbled across a video of Aretha Franklin singing “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” at the 38th Kennedy Center Honors gala. Every song on there is fantastic, but I was full of tears after the first line of “Beautiful”.

“You got to get up every morning with a smile on your face / and show the world all the love in your heart.”