You're not lost, because you're not exploring

Iʟʟᴜsᴛʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ʙʏ ᴜɴDʀᴀᴡ, ᴄᴏʟᴏʀᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴍᴇ.

Now I've started feeling like I've finally come out of age mentally—I'm 35 years old now, mind you—and things have started to have silver linings and becoming lessons, I've also started noticing that this feeling of being lost or without firm direction is on everybody's mind.

Younger folks feel it like increasing pressure in the boiling pot that's defining your identity; people my age feel it like a crisis of identity, sometimes at work, sometimes in their personal lives; and I've also noticed it with people of my parents' age, well into their 60's, turned into missing opportunities that shaped them. There's, of course, difference in how it affects every single stage of our lives, but it seems it's a constant feeling we all carry. Like we all feel that we should be doing something else, something greater, something with purpose and, somehow, we're not even close to doing it. Even worse, we don't even have a grasp on what's the thing we should be doing.

I want to start by saying that I don't really have a solution to it but I think that it's also worth to talk about it because I've started to realize that there's a chance we might not be lost at all, but, on the contrary, we may be completely stuck.

Out there, wandering, like kids

I'm part of one of the last generations that grew up without internet and then made the transition. For the longest time I've tried but I cannot recall what it was that we thought before with all that time and space.

I know what we used to do: We played. But not only that... After playing the standard way of anything to the point of being tired of repetition, we used to create challenges for every single game we had, trying to overcome the limitations—whether spatial, physical or mental—of the games and ourselves, pushing the boundary just a little bit more every time we gathered. Did we do it consciously to reach some, now forgotten, end? If so, what was it that we were aiming for? What would be the point of being the best at, for example, a very nuanced game of hide and seek?

Then, again, I don't think that's the right set of questions. We were just exploring. We did anything and everything because it was fun to experiment. It was fun to test if you could actually do something. There was no major purpose than to explore your limitations and learn how to break through despite them.

There was competition, of course. The athletic bunch tried to set rules so the games were harder for the slower or weaker kids. The smart ones tried to set harder rules, so everything was more difficult to the not-so-bright of the bunch. That's always existed. We're all constantly looking for an edge. But was it fun to outrun the athletic ones and outsmart the bright ones? Hell yeah, it was.

The next day it all restarted. There was no past glory, but there was a new set of games, new set of limitations, new set of unknowns. And yet, we all played again, starting and exploring again from scratch.

I think as we grow, we stop doing that. We don't play anymore because everything feels serious now. We try not to break rules because there's consequences now. We stop ourselves from exploring because it feels risky now. And all the unknowns will continue to be unknowns. All the new will come from safety, so they'll come less and less often.

The healthy dose of wander is to always wander

— Monika Ajay Kaul

Trust me when I tell you that I went through a fuckton of pages of quotes looking for something that felt right. For some reason, looking for quotes on "exploration", "wandering" and all themes alike mostly points to old times and sailors; or, in stark contrast, point you to the future, space exploration and whatnot. Then I found this one. More modern, easier to understand and straight to the point. I even went ahead and changed to whole focus of this post because it made me realize that the whole "being lost" theme of it may be completely wrong.

You know, you have to be in motion or out of everything that's familiar to you to be lost.

This quote made me realize that the whole issue may be that we're not moving enough. We're all stuck now in our ways, in the definition of what's supposed to be "a good version of you". And that may come from you parents, from social networks, from society, from your workplace... Heck, maybe it's even coming from your own ideas. I certainly think that I don't change that much now. I don't explore anymore. I'm headstrong on the idea that I like what I like now, and there's not much wiggle room because I'm 35 and I'm all set in my ways. I set this stupid rule in the game for myself and I won't even dare challenging it, less so breaking it.

The biggest break through recently I can think of was listening to Bad Bunny and liking it. It was HUUUGE for me, being the rock-hardcore-metalcore guy I am, and it threw off people close to me so hard that it was scary to see their reactions. I think that happened back in 2022 and people still talk about it. Now that I think about it, that, their reactions, made me feel like it was a mistake and I closed myself again. But, you know what? Fuck that. I should be aiming to create chaos like that more often. Even within the frame of who I am, I can break the rules of those playing the game with me to grow a little more and expand who I am.

I think that after a few rinse and repeat of that, I'd start to like going out my comfort zone and, maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get out live a little bit more. To borrow the lyrics from a favorite band of mine:

— From Indian Lakes, I Have No Answers

Movie recs

You know what, just watch this movie. Jim Carrey in "Yes Man". It does a great job of getting the point of this long-ass post across in a more comedic way.

Yes Man

Carl Allen, a guy whose life is going nowhere, signs up for a self-help program based on one simple covenant: say yes to everything…and anything.

But, maybe, if you're a little bit more deep and want to see amazing views onscreen, but still want a chuckle or two, you can watch "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". I've to say, I fucking love this movie. I've seen it like ~40 times already.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

A timid magazine photo manager who lives life vicariously through daydreams embarks on a true-life adventure when a negative goes missing.

Well, I hope this post has, at least, given you something to think about. I'm not hating this self-reflecting era of mine, though, being an engineer and a man of science, non-conclusive endings are not my thing. Maybe I'd consider this part a series of non-additive posts from me, where the whole is not the sum of its parts.

Maybe a bit of good ol' philosophy isn't all that bad.

Let me know your thoughts! Are you lost or are you stuck? And, more importantly, how are you dealing with it?