🌿 Lately 🌿

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Life recently for me has been filled with a lot of thinking. Where I am in life, where I want to be, how my past has shaped me, and why I think and feel the way I do. I've been reflecting and I feel like I don't sit with my feelings and thoughts long enough, so this post is going to be me doing that.

You don't have to read this one, it's a little personal and if you don't feel like reading through my brain waves, or dealing with heavier emotions, you can just skip it.

All my love,

Bunnee 💞

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⋆ Work ⋆

I've been working a lot. At least 50 hours a week, sometimes almost 60. Working in a print department, averaging 50 hours a week, takes a lot. I'm exhausted most days and I feel really burnt out. But I'm also torn. I love my job. I love the creativity I get to express and the things I'm able to create for people. It makes me feel good knowing that they now have an opportunity to succeed, whether it's small businesses, side hustles, or just something small for a family reunion.

But there's another side of things. Management, though I love them, is really sparse. Communication isn't really there. I don't know how to feel most times because everyone in my department is practically gone. It's only me most days, which means if we're busy or I'm not there, then print doesn't operate. I've expressed that I'd love for us to hire someone else so I'm not alone and don't have to work so many hours so often, but it just gets brushed off every time. Finally, they decided to hire someone else, only when I expressed that I might be leaving anyways in a few months.

Most of the time I'm just stuck in that torn feeling. I adore my job, but I'm so burnt out it's exhausting to be there every single day of the week. I don't have time for myself, or my hobbies, or even to have an outside life. To the point where even my coworker made a joke about how I need some sort of life.

⋆ Hurt ⋆

I've been regularly going to therapy, and I've learned a lot about myself through it. I realized that the way that I act and feel now directly correlate to things I've tried to forget about from my childhood.

If you know me, you know I've never had a good relationship with my mother. But recently, it's just been getting worse. Especially since my engagement. I've been trying to convince myself that there's no reason to give energy to someone who doesn't deserve it, but it also hurts knowing that you don't have the opportunity to just call your mom when you need her.

I hate the thought of me being lazy. Which is also probably why I can't stand not working. And it all comes back to my mom never supporting what I do, always saying that I'm not doing enough or working hard enough. There's just always that little voice in the back of my head that says I'm not good enough.

I know I'll never be good enough for my mom, and I think I've come to terms with it. But, sometimes, when I see girls with their moms, it just hurts. I'm not going to be able to dress shop for my wedding with my mom. I can't call her when I'm upset and just want a woman to talk to. I can't talk to her about drama at work or things with friends. Sometimes, I just want to be able to call the mom I never had.

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I have plenty of stories about my mom. None of them positive. None of them where she was reassuring, or loving, or encouraging me. I remember the times where I cried and pleaded with her to change. But she never did. I remember when she brought another guy home, trying to convince me that this one was different as she was picking up another bottle of alcohol. Or when she was so drunk I had to help her home and upstairs. I was 12. 6th grade. And I knew how to spot someone impaired. How to make myself quiet and small in order to not be spotted. I learned to wait until it was quiet to eat. To enjoy my hobbies. To be myself.

In high school, I buried myself in extra curriculars. Yearbook. School newspaper. Full time job. Friends. AP classes. I never wanted to be home. I was gone from 6:30am to at the earliest 10pm every weeknight. But I was alone. It was like I was living with a bad roommate who I couldn't even communicate with without being railroaded.

⋆ Future ⋆

I'm still not sure where I want to go in life. I just know I'm happy. I have my own place, I'm engaged to the love of my life, I have a stable job, I'm healthy, and I'm finally starting to think about where I want to be and grow.

I don't know if I want to go back to school. I still don't know what career I want. Writing, marketing, teaching, I'm not sure. I just know now that those I keep in my corner aren't flaky or walking away when I need them most. They support me. They love me.

I want to start focusing on me. My hobbies. My aspirations. Figuring out what I want to do in life. Taking the time to smell the roses and look outside more often. Slow down. Breathe. Rest.

I'm sure it'll all come to me when it needs to.