maybe closure wasn't so important after all?

Spilling my guts (or, how the classics said "ripping myself apart for an audience") right now, shamelessly shit-talking whoever deserves it.

When this particular song came out (peep the one attached to this post), I didn't realize how insufferable would I be about it right away. One of the reasons why I'm like that?

It's so cathartic. Like, really cathartic, when you think about every person that has ever wronged you or wore some kind of a mask, pretending they treat you like a living breathing human being equal to them while you listen to it and let all of your rage out.

I'm gonna be spilling my guts on every case in no particular order. Yes, I have a ton of horrible things to say and I'm not even sorry about it.

Starting with my first ever former best friend of 2016-2018 who traumatized me for life and left me with eternal fear of people leaving me on seen.

Some people, with this information now very clear, might say that both of us were fucking stupid little kids and that's a valid excuse, but I don't really think so. I mean, yes, both me and her were dumb as bricks, but does that make her actions any less shitty? Obviously not.

I was a sensitive sheltered 12-year-old who had no fucking idea how to navigate this strange new world of online friendships and friendships in general, and that caused me to get attached to a lot of...wrong...people. Including, of course, that person, whom I ended up idealizing and talking about to literally any of my other friends.

Which, of course, looked and sounded bad. Not all of those folks who were unfortunate enough to hear about her knew how to properly snap me out of it, but at least their annoyance didn't scar me for the rest of my life.

I'm thankful for those people who actually listened to me and tried to help as well. This little person (me!) wouldn't have become who they are without said people.

I can't say when exactly my friendship with that person went south, but what I am able to say is that from this past me's point of view it happened randomly and out of nowhere.

I mean, a little kid who just got pulled out of their very first bullying occurrence hasn't yet finished savoring the feeling of someone talking to them like they're human, and a week or so later they get their first episode of being left on seen and refusing to understand their feelings.

Yep, horrible. But I let that shit slide for a few months until I actually decided to part ways with this person.

The part that angers me the most? It's the fact that she chose to unfriend me and ignore for the entire day on the New Year. Of all fucking days.

Holiday ruined, I had the worst mental breakdown ever and barely talked to anyone. A day later she had the audacity to respond to my question about her unfriending me with a screenshot of my page which showed that I'm friended again.

Was it an attempt to pretend nothing ever happened? Did she think I would forget? I guess we'll never know!

The second case is two people — my social studies teacher and my history teacher. I was holding a grudge because they enabled my high school classmate's psychological warfare targeted at me because "he's such a sweet boy, how could he do that to you?"

That was the very start of this exhausting series of events, and yes, it gets even more ridiculous as the time goes by.

When I had a very violent meltdown, I apparently said something that led to the history teacher pulling me over and lecturing me on how I'm the worst person ever and could be compared to a criminal.

Later, they called my mother, telling me that they haven't called his only because "she reacted in a proper way" and that "it's good that we're in Russia, he would have been beaten up for talking shit about feminism in the EU"

How did this end, you ask? Well, it ended with me being pulled over again, because I wasn't talking to my classmates.

Seriously, recalling these events right now, I'm only thinking about how actually fucked up it was...and how happy I am that these people are long gone from my life.

The last person?

They didn't scar me for life, but upon finding out that their entire public image was drastically different from who they are in real life, I started over-analyzing every single detail of my time as a fan of their music.

The interactions. The only real-life one I was lucky enough to acquire...and thank fuck it haven't gone further than just me getting my concert ticket signed and a simple hug.

I'm still happy about the fact that my dad basically saved me from a worse interaction, because my initial plan was to come up to all four members of that band.

Said worse interaction being the drummer, of course. Because a few years later, long after two of that time's members got kicked out of the band, their former guitarist spilled all the tea on the remaining two guys (drummer and vocalist). Spoiler? It's bad.

The vocalist turned out to be a polar opposite of the public image he was trying to create, and the drummer was (and still is) an even bigger asshole, rapist and misogynist.

I threw that band's music out of my playlist after the vocalist's shitty rape joke, but at the time I thought that his new, more famous friends, ruined him as a person. The truth? He always was like this, and the joke just was his true face slipping through the cracks.

Conclusion? I feel so relieved I'm not connected to them in any shape or form anymore.

I'm relieved that I'm not connected to any of the people I mentioned here anymore, and...honestly, I don't want to come back for closure. Not as much as I wanted that in the past.

Here's to healing, I guess?

«A clean break is never really cut and dry,

I can feel you sometimes if I try

I'm happy you happened,

But I'm happier you're gone»

— lyrics from "Happier You're Gone (SASE)" by Rachel Bochner