12,000 Generations: On Deep Time, Grief, and the Body

I realized today I need another reset. Fresh start. New leaf and page.

I've been accepted into the [University of the People](https://www.uopeople.edu/), a tuition-free accredited university in the United States. I'll be starting in April, the month I turn thirty.I sent an email to see how many of my credits from my previous degree (Arts, English Honours) can be transferred over.

Like a lot of people, I need a combination of structure and chaos. My leash has gotten too loose, I've grown too long in the tooth and I find myself once again becoming complacent, sleepwalking through various hours of the day.

I'm not the kind of person that takes risks and gambles based on what I think is going to lead me to being successful in the future. To be honest, I think I would be far worse-off if I did that. I am, instead, oriented towards joy.

The gut is the compass. To change the trajectory of your life based on an inclination, the whimsical nature of following whims.

## The Prosperity Gospel of Deferred Happiness

I see people living life as though it can be gamed, as though you can find something worthwhile on the other side of spending your time being miserable in the present moment. No amount of power, clout, or currency will ever fill the gaping chest-wound caused by a lack of joy, a lack of internal meaningfulness. Whisper the prosperity gospel to the golden calf, if you feel so inclined.

I want to clarify, though, I am not speaking of sacrificing yourself for the sake of others. I believe that is always worthwhile. For all we have is each other. Rather, I am speaking more of the ambitious individualism that has severed our natural connection to one another. The manifest destiny of the self which has festered and created a layer of sediment between us, between one another. The pursuit of happiness is designed for the collective.

We have never lived in a meritocracy. We've barely found the liberty so many have died for. The older I get, the more I believe in the spiritual necessity of vigilantism. For there is nobody that is going to save us but ourselves. To take matters into our own hands.

This philosophy—joy as compass, collective liberation over individual ambition—sounds clean and confident when I write it down. But let me be more transparent about where I'm actually writing this from.

## The Honest Assessment

Let me shed all pretense and speak candidly. I don't think I'm doing that good right now. On paper, I'm prospering in a way I never have before in my life. I am safe, doing what I love as a job full-time, I am shelf-stable.

But I also broke up with my partner of over a year. I am grieving an unborn child. I am turning thirty in a month and I do not know what kind of future the world has for me.

My living conditions, like the living co