children’s needs

this is mostly a response to a post i keep seeing going around on wafrn.

the idea of this post is that children need safe spaces to experience and learn to deal with difficult emotions, with the implication that fiction like movies can serve a role in this effort.

i don’t disagree with this post. i think this post is correct. but i think the things being advocated in this post need to be done carefully.

this is another post about child abuse. i’m kind of dealing with the trauma of my child abuse right now.

when i was a kid i was allowed into adult media far too early. i view it now as a form of emotional neglect that my caretakers engaged in. they did not put enough care into what i was allowed to watch or read. and they never, ever engaged with me about it.

i was shown adult horror movies that scared the literal piss out of me, i was shown urban legends tv shows and true crime shows about rapists and murderers, all before i experienced puberty. i also had undetected early onset schizophrenia, and these scary things triggered episodes of psychosis and night terrors that ultimately led to me spending an entire school year not sleeping. and nobody talked to me about it. when they did notice my poor reactions to the movies and shows i was shown, they mocked me. i was a baby for getting so upset.

just having difficult emotions thrust on me through fiction did not help me learn to deal with those emotions and feelings. instead the way i was treated destroyed my ability to do so for years. even now, i avoid horror movies, because i’m still afraid i’ll spend the whole night unable to sleep – and that will cause psychosis or other negative mental health symptoms for me.

but i do think there are ways to do this right.

choose age-appropriate material for the child. something can be challenging but still appropriate, not too much to handle but also not infantalizing them. this will vary by child, some kids can handle heavier stuff earlier than other kids. knowing what is age-appropriate for the child will require conversations and familiarity with the specific child in question.

choose interest-appropriate material for the child. Secrets of NIMH is an amazing movie, but if your kid has no interest in talking animals they’re less likely to really get it. otoh if your child is really into unicorns, maybe check out some Bruce Coville – it’ll be more impactful than something they’re not into. knowing what is interest-appropriate for the child will require conversations and familiarity with the specific child in question.

have conversations with the child around the material you’re providing for them. yes, all of it. this is important stuff. whether it’s something you read or watch together or something they read or watch themselves, talk to them about it. see how they understand what happens, see how they feel about that. tell them how it makes you feel, and how you process those emotions. ask open-ended questions that let them think more about what they’re learning.

make all of this normal and safe and as pleasant as you can. learn yourself and teach the child about things like self-soothing, emotional regulation in general, meditation if you can. learn to identify and address early signs of mental illness or neurodivergence. connect with professionals as needed – and remember that therapy can be helpful for anyone, not just mentally ill people.

or that would have helped me, anyway.