The Dead Senator Sketch

CUSTOMER: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

SHOPKEEPER: Sorry, we're closed for recess.

CUSTOMER: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this senator what I acquired not half an hour ago from this very establishment.

SHOPKEEPER: Oh yes, the Senior Senator from Kentucky. Lovely bird - er, legislator. Fine plumage.

CUSTOMER: Fine plumage?! He's stone dead, that's what he is!

SHOPKEEPER: No, no, he's resting.

CUSTOMER: Resting?!

SHOPKEEPER: Yeah, remarkable resilience, the McConnell. He just powers down every now and then. Saves energy. Very efficient.

CUSTOMER: Look, matey - he's got his eyes open but he's not blinking. He's frozen like a statue. He is dead.

SHOPKEEPER: Nonono. He's… contemplating. You know how these old ones are. Deep in thought. Mulling over judicial appointments.

CUSTOMER: He's been standing there motionless for twenty minutes! I poked him!

SHOPKEEPER: Well, he's a creature of habit. Doesn't like being rushed. If you'd just give him a moment, he'll thaw right out.

CUSTOMER: Thaw out?! He's room temperature! Look - (pokes) - nothing! Not a twitch!

SHOPKEEPER: Steady on, you'll ruffle his feathers. He's probably just listening. Excellent listener, the McConnell. Renowned for it.

CUSTOMER: Listening to WHAT? There's no one talking! He's gone to meet his maker! He has shuffled off this mortal coil! He has joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-senator!

SHOPKEEPER: Now hang on, let's not be hasty. (peers closely) …Ah, see there? His lips moved.

CUSTOMER: That was the wind from the air conditioning vent.

SHOPKEEPER: Could've been a filibuster starting up. They do that sometimes. Just start talking and won't stop for hours.

CUSTOMER: He said nothing! His mouth barely moved!

SHOPKEEPER: Well, that's the McConnell style, isn't it? Economical with syllables. Measured delivery. You paid good money for measured delivery.

CUSTOMER: I paid for a functioning senator, not a mannequin!

SHOPKEEPER: (picks him up and shakes him) See? Still holds together. Solid construction. He served six terms, this one. Six! You don't last that long by moving around too much.

CUSTOMER: He's been standing there gazing into the middle distance since I bought him! Not one vote! Not one committee meeting!

SHOPKEEPER: Strategic absence. Shows strength.

CUSTOMER: STRATEGIC ABSENCE?!

SHOPKEEPER: It's a technique. Very advanced. You wouldn't understand parliamentary procedure.

CUSTOMER: I understand that HE'S DEAD.

SHOPKEEPER: Look, I'll tell you what. Give him a couple of weeks. He'll come round. He always comes round.

CUSTOMER: He's got rigor mortis! He's stiff as a board!

SHOPKEEPER: Firm stance on the issues. You want someone wishy-washy, buy yourself a Manchin.

CUSTOMER: (sputtering) He's not breathing! He has no pulse! He - look, I'll prove it. (leans in close) Senator? Senator, are you alive?

(Long pause. Nothing happens.)

SHOPKEEPER: See? Composing his response. Takes time. Quality legislation requires patience.

CUSTOMER: That's it. I want a refund.

SHOPKEEPER: Can't refund a resting senator. Store policy. (pause) Tell you what - I could throw in a Lindsey Graham. Practically identical. Good for another decade, minimum.

CUSTOMER: Is the Lindsey Graham alive?!

SHOPKEEPER: …Define "alive."