Life Fatigue

Your sense of smell has a mechanism within it that ceases to smell any particular scent if it goes on too long. It's called olfactory fatigue. When your brain concludes that the scent you're experiencing poses no threat, it simply stops registering it. I've begun to wonder if I am experiencing life fatigue.

I've been occupying myself with a couple of projects since May, and have largely accomplished them. I've made the move to Linux and open source software; I've refurbished and given away a lot of computers; I've gotten my campsite mostly cleaned up and solar powered. In looking towards the future, I don't see many projects ahead, although I am committed to teaching at my son's studio for the winter, and I need to renew my committment to downsizing.

At the same time, though, everything feels uninteresting, and I sense a level of mental and emotional fatigue. Projects now seem like busywork. Teaching holds little interest beyond helping my son grow his studio. The downsizing effort has the light aroma of death attached to it. Spending time on the internet seems more like an exercise in swatting away mosquitoes, as every web site seems to bite me, wanting to try and grab a little more blood from me: data, a subscription, money, more attention. It's exhausting.

There are times when I get the urge to make a purchase of a particular item, only to realize that I used to use an item like that in the past, but I currently possess similar items now, and probably won't be using any of them in the near future. A tent is a great example. Off the top of my head I know I have three tent: a canvas tent with a rip in the roof I need to repair; a 3-person polyester tent good for car camping; and a small backpacking tent. I have not used any of these tents in well over a year. I think the last time I slept in a tent was on the trip I took to buy the canvas tent.

And yet, I have almost purchased two tents in the last month. One is an Ozark Trail (Walmart) A-frame tent costing maybe $70 dollars, and the other is a well-regarded backpacking tent that was on sale for $90 during Prime Days. I had to force myself to think rationally to avoid buying those tents because I will not use them, and I already have suitable tents I don't use. This pattern repeats itself with other items I've collected over the years, such as backpacks and other travel bags, EDC tools, and other tech gadgets.

I don't really know how to address this issue of life fatigue. I get breaks from it here and there, rather like the advice to smell something like coffee beans to relieve olfactory fatigue. But it tends to return. I think perhaps I am beginning to understand why people write memoirs - it passes the time. But I have an aversion to dredging up the past. And in the midst of this fatigue, I can't seem to focus clearly enough to create a future. That's exhausting work. Perhaps I will write a post detailing some of the things I've considered and so far rejected.

And the river flows on....