Sunday Mourning: impermanence becomes personal

Earlier this month, I found out that an old friend had passed away. He had been living with a medical condition that would some day bring about this fate in an untimely way, and sadly that time has come.

I won't name my friend, though at one point he was somewhat of a growing figure in a similar circle as mine, but he struggled with some of own issues and around 2017 or so, we had a falling out and hadn't spoke to each other since. I don't think we held any hatred towards each other, but the divide grew, and we never reconnected, for better or worse.

Knowing some of his struggles, and what he did to some people stopped me from reaching out, but now I wonder if that was a mistake. Perhaps the good person I once knew was in there, lost his way, and found his way back, but I will never know.

The truth is, we had been in each others lives at such an important time, there was a tiny, small group of us, all online friends who had found varying levels of success in movement atheism at the time, and we supported each other, were sounding boxes for each other, and helped each other grow during that time.

Yet, as many movements go, divides started happening in atheism, and he and I fell on different sides of a rather big issue and the friendship and support came to and end.

Now, I am left wondering what if.

And to be honest, I am not looking for sympathy for me. I am still here, I didn't have to know I was leaving behind friends and family, knowing my time was coming to an end. The sorrow should be saved for those closest to him to have to now move on in their lives without him.

But his death got me thinking a lot about death, impermanence, and the life I still have and how I want to live it.

As many of you know, Buddhism is new for me, and I think had I found it sooner, I may have felt a need to reconnect sooner. Maybe I would reach out and be met with rejection, maybe open arms, I could have found someone who found their way back, or maybe someone more lost. Perhaps reconnecting would have been fleeting and not last, but what I know is, every time I thought about reaching out, I told myself not now, and felt there would be more time, and a "right" time to do it.

We forgot that we never know how much time we have.

If there is a "light" that went off here, it was a similar one I shared when my father died.

I am the oldest of four, and other than one sibling, there is a pretty large age gap that meant I left home when my siblings were still young. I moved out, started my life, and even moved 3,000 miles away, rarely visiting home, and sadly, not keeping very good touch with them.

Then I got the call that my dad was dying and it was time to come home.

Since then, my relationship with my siblings has never been strong, we've never been closer, and it's sad it took my dad's passing for that to happen, but I am glad that we didn't let them moment go to waste.

That's how I feel now. I have reached out to a few friends, especially those in that friend group my friend and I were part of to touch base, reconnect, and check in.

Just saying hi, not making any grand plans or gestures, but staying connected. They lost a friend too, and we had the opportunity to chat about him, our memories, and ensure each other were okay.