moderation

the extent to which i trust my intuition is a blessing and a curse.

on the one hand, confidence is very helpful. if i trust myself enough to lean on my intuition and things go well, my confidence increases and i feel more capable. like power stances in the mirror have some scientific basis, i think this makes a difference.

on the other hand, i am often duped by my own aggrandized or myopic self-narration. in particular, confidence to paper over a lack of discipline that is not healthy

"i'm goated, i can function on back to back 4 hour sleep nights"

"my social life won't suffer, i can do all the things at full speed"

"i am best positioned to do ___ and if i don't do it right now i'll regret it forever, even though i have 2 or 3 or 4 similar things i've started in recent months"

when stated this way, it's obvious these sentiments are misguided. however:

• my brain is good at presenting these fallacies in a more palatable way that serves the goals of the limbic short term brain. it is hard sometimes to take a step back
• it is one thing to know you ought to self-regulate, and another thing entirely to successfully self-regulate

another way i think about "trusting my intuition" here is excitement

i don't want to snuff out my excitement, my joie de vivre, just because i want to be healthy or disciplined. my intuitions for things often follow my base interest in things, where i often steep myself for a long time. i love going deep on things, learning the lore and minutiae, connecting it to other previously explored domains. personally, this is one of the most interesting and gratifying parts of intellectual experience. obviously, it doesn't have to be so black and white. i can nurture excitement, permit exploration and spontaneity while setting boundaries for myself in service of my health, relationships, and non-self-oriented goals. but this is not easy! moderation is hard! staying disciplined and honest with one's self while avoiding a callous snuffing out of earnest play in spirit is genuinely a hard balance to strike, but i think it's worth doing.