I'm childfree and pregnant. What now?

My therapist told me that since writing is an escape to me, maybe writing about this would help. I'm not quite sure how writing can help given that there's no way out of this situation (other than through it) but it won't hurt, at least.

I've always known I didn't want children. And by always I mean, since pretty much since I was a tween. It has been a decision I've carried through life and relationships, making a point to ensure any partner I've had has been aligned with this. I have built my life knowing exactly where and how I want to be in the future and never found myself wavering on this decision. I never wanted to be pregnant, or go through labour, or raise a human.

You can imagine the kind of shock it was when I saw two little pink lines on a pharmacy pregnancy test after I came back from vacation.

You can also imagine the kind of shock it was when I found out I was already out of options, having discovered after my first ultrasound that the pregnancy was much further along than I thought (over 12 weeks at the time).

Like I said at the beginning... the only way out is through.

I am now even further along, belly growing and in constant physical pain due to some medical issues related to the pregnancy itself. People around me (the ones that know) are happy for me, but understandably also concerned for my mental well being. Being childfree was something I was vocal about when asked, so family and friends took it as quite a shock (almost as much as I was)!

I can say with some degree of certainty that I am taking this quite well considering my life has been turned completely upside down: My career, which I've fought so hard for, is halting at its peak - or worse, I will lose a promotion I've worked incredibly hard for - not to mention my living arrangement isn't fit for a child. It's fine for childfree adults, but definitely not fine for a child. My physical health is declining, so I am unable to indulge in any of my many hobbies, as I'm being forced to be on bed rest and can barely leave the house. I don't have enough savings for myself, let alone disposable income for the new human plus future school/college money. The thought of going through labour is scaring the hell out of me so I refuse to give it any thought, and I have shown no interest in looking at cribs, clothes, strollers, so on. But! I am not desperate, nor crying or screaming every day. I can find joy in my life, laugh, dance (well... maybe sway slightly when medicated), sing, talk, and do light shopping occasionally when the pain isn't too severe. So yes, I'm taking this quite well.

I am unsure whether this is a good thing to share or not, as pregnancies, babies and women's reproductive healthcare issues are such sensitive topics online. But I am treating this as a regular old blog that nobody cares about so it'll remain invisible and unread until it's buried by other, more meaningful entries from strangers on the internet.

I'm not sure what else to say. I have so many thoughts and words swirling through my head but not quite any logic or sense to them. So I think for now this will be good enough.