Yesterday was a really good day :)

I went to my local LGS to play some commander with a classmate. I enjoyed myself. I did overestimate his level of newness to the game, so I’m glad he brought a more skilled friend so I didn’t embarrass myself by completely wiping the floor with him. I remember back in 2015 when I was fucking around pretending to do college I played against a commander player who built his own deck for the first time. Commander was new to me, I was a standard player. I wasn’t expecting a pretty basic elf deck to have effectively infinite mana by like turn 5. I guess Nissa (i think it was nissa, idk) just does that? I was so embarrassed by how poorly I performed that I quit playing for 9-ish years. I didn’t get back into it until my partner and I got together. I hope I didn’t do that to him. My big scary monsters were pretty well handled with the other guy’s deck though so newbie didn’t get hit too hard. He ended up playing super politically. I very nearly decked myself with a misplay. It was an interesting game.

After I played commander I called my little brother. I haven’t spoken to him in a little over two years. Its like I said about the friend thing the other day. I haven’t been a very good sibling, but I want to do better and that starts with doing the work and actually picking up the damn phone to make a phone call. We talked for about an hour and a half. It was really nice and I smiled like a doofus the whole time. I’m really proud of him. It seems like he managed to strike the perfect balance between living and preparing for the future for someone his age. I enjoyed life too much. My other little brother didn’t enjoy life enough.

I talked to my dad the other day too. This is gonna be tough. I really hurt him. I’ve historically been a coward. I build people up to be these big scary monsters and then when I end up disappointing them I flee, and hide away from their disappointment. This of course has the opposite of the intended effect and just hurts them, and damages my relationship with them. Its a really shitty cycle I haven’t historically been able to pull out of but I have support now, and I’m not scared of the people I love anymore.

I wish he was less dismissive about my transition though. I don’t think he understands it was this or I kill myself. I don’t think he understands I realized I was trans at 13. I didn’t just up and “Decide [I] don’t want to be a man anymore”. I tried, I really fucking tried and it almost killed me and he just doesn’t get it. I’m not surprised, ya’know? Cis people couldn’t possibly understand the trans experience. Unless he does genuinely think it’s a choice, but that’s a whole other can of worms he needs to open very fucking carefully with his therapist when he’s ready.

I’m tired. I needed to write, first time in a few days iirc. Idk, memory is hazy.

Love y’all,
Nora