I found this Polaroid of myself

The image captures me as I lay out on a boulder in the Rio Grande outside of Taos, NM. I’m laying in my bikini. The monochrome image doesn’t show it but the bikini was a soft baby pink. This photo is taken by someone I used to call a friend, and wish I still could.

I like Polaroids because I can stumble upon a photo in a drawer and know it’s something I decided was worth remembering (or at least worth the $1.50 it costs to take the image).

I’ve learned in my schooling how to be a better communicator. I’ve learned from my partner, and from reconnecting with my mother, how to better communicate my thoughts, ideas, needs to someone I consider a friend.

3 years ago, I was not a good communicator. I miscommunicated my intentions with this friend, and she grew more attached than I was hoping. I miscommunicated my boundaries with this friend, and because of this she crossed them. I didn’t communicate when I was struggling with the blurred lines of friendship, and allowed the friendship to die because of this.

Never regret anything. Everything you do, every choice you make, every mistake and bad decision: adds up to who you are today. To regret those, is to regret yourself.

Uncle nick, Summer 2009-ish, paraphrased

I’m a better friend now than I used to be. I don’t let my actions write checks my personality can’t cash. I set firmer boundaries, more clearly. I communicate when I’m hurting, and having trouble communicating my needs.

I think if I met Jeanne last year, we’d still be friends. We met four years ago, and stopped talking nearly three.

I dwell on this friend, who took this photo, because in the same stack of polaroid photos I also found one of her standing over my stove, cooking me dinner as we enjoyed an all to common evening of blurring the lines between close friends and… something higher stakes.

I’ve always been someone who loves intensely. I love my friends as I love my family. Love is an intense emotion, and a difficult one to grapple with in the years following a divorce. I never loved her romantically, though I’m not sure she could see the difference.

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Anyway.

Love, right?

Weird shit.

I’ve been engaged again for a bit. I’m not really sure how public I’ve been about that. I’m not sure when we’re gonna do the wedding. Neither of us seems particularly rushed to have the ceremony. I’m hoping for a small ceremony after I finish school, but my partner is looking at enrolling this coming spring so maybe we wait til she has their masters.

If I’m working first, I don’t need to go into debt this time. They say programmers make big money. I’ve seen entry level positions for more almost double my highest salary historically.

I’m rambling at this point. I’ve puked out enough thoughts onto this page, the well is empty.

Thank you for reading,
I love you all,
Nora