Abuse doesn’t have to be malicious

Content Warning : Discussion of sexual abuse. Discussion of minors in the context of sexual abuse. If you’re family, you’re going to learn some things I’ve never shared with you here. I wanted to tell you in person, but I wanted to be sure you could consent to holding this knowledge, so it goes on the internet where you can choose to click off the page.

Sometimes people are abused because their abuser is ignorant of the effects of what they’re doing. This isn’t an excuse. This doesn’t make the behavior acceptable. This doesn’t make the behavior good. Abuse is abuse, whichever way you slice it.

Hurt people hurt people

That’s what they say, right? That people who’ve been hurt end up hurting others in seeking answers, in seeking companionship, absolution & healing from their hurt. Sometimes hurt people hurt people because they don’t know any other way to be. I have a sharp temper, the behavior that was modeled for my by one of my primary caregivers was distant until agitated, then highly aggressive. I have verbally abused my ex-wife, and my current partner. I am actively doing the work to learn to not do this anymore. It’s been a long time since I’ve yelled, but the urge is still there sometimes.

There is no nuance when it comes to consent

Yes is yes. No is no. This is how things work for well informed adults. This is called informed consent. We are presented with a context, an opportunity, and a partner with whom to engage in this opportunity. The prefrontal lobe is done developing at 24-26 years of age on average. This part of the brain, responsible for reason and decision making, is the part of the brain which gives consent. This means. in my opinion, that people under 24 cannot truly consent to anything as the part of their brain responsible for doing so is underdeveloped.

By this logic: A 22 year old cannot consent to settle down and share a life with someone. An 18 year old cannot consent to have sex on the first date. A 16 year old cannot consent to the dangers that come with dating. A 14 year old cannot consent to share an encounter at all. Any younger is right-out.

But what gives, I said there’s no nuance, no? There is no nuance, with well informed adults. But with young adults, teens, children, that enthusiastic yes is a no. They are simply unequipped to handle the decisions involved with giving informed consent.

So why am I talking about this? What’s on your mind, Nora?

When I was 6 years old I was molested

It’s still hard to even type those words. I still have trouble accepting that it’s true, and happened, and effects me every single day.

I, Nora Bell, was molested by a neighbor boy when I was 6 years old.

I’m not going to publicly out this person. He’s grown up into a respectable man. He was young enough at the time (younger than me even) that there was no was in the world that he could possibly understand that he was causing damage to my psyche that would follow me well into adulthood (It’s been 24 years and I still think about it every day). I have forgiven the person who did this to me. But it still happened. Quite a few times too. At least 5 that I can remember, perhaps more.

Hidden for the squeamish

It started with a series of questions: He said “Do you wanna try sex?”. I asked “What’s that?”. He said “Its a thing grownups do for fun, it’s like hugging naked”. Then we went into the windbreak forest at the end of the dead-end we lived on.

I can’t write more than that about the event itself. I still get tense.

Around a month ago, my brother came to visit

We went downtown to hit a local bar. I ordered a Trail Pass IPA, a non-alcoholic brew. He ordered something made by SFBC.

As we sat outside the bar, enjoying our drinks, seeing each-other for the first time in a few years, I felt a sudden pang of… guilt? It felt like guilt, but I can’t see how guilt would be the right emotion. I confessed to him that I’d been molested, and that I couldn’t tell him who it was because as far as I knew, he was friends with the person who did it and I didn’t want to besmirch the reputation of an upstanding citizen for a mistake they made when they were 5. He had no idea. He asked me why I’d never shared. I confessed it was because I thought I’d be in trouble for some reason.

I sat in that feeling for years. Always thinking I’d be caught. Found out. Ratted on. That someone would know that I’d had sex, that unholy thing reserved only for married couples, that no teens, and especially no children should even be THINKING about doing.

My brother, in a way only he possibly could have, noticed that I started stuttering at about 6 years old. It lasted until I was around 14 when it suddenly stopped during a presentation in my 9th grade science course. For the first time ever, I’d been more nervous about my presentation than being found out, and I actually, really, forgot… Mostly.

It felt liberating to tell someone who’s been there for me since forever. This is a hard cross to bear. But it’s mine, and I take it with me every day. Maybe someday I’ll be able to finally put it down.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Thank you for taking a little bit of my pain and holding it for me. Thank you for holding space for me to share. If you would ever like to talk about a similar experience that you’re struggling with, send me a message in my message box with the name you’d like to be addressed as, and a request to have a conversation, I will generally reach out via email within a few days.

With all of the love I can hold in my heart,
Nora

P.S. Be kind to your inner child, they didn’t know any better.