35 years ago today, I married my best friend

Jeff aka @jridpath.bsky.social and I were married exactly 35 years ago! Happily, we are still best friends. Because of house renovations, we have decided to postpone our mega-anniversary-trip to next year (2027).

With so many different types of relationships and situations out there, I don't believe there is any one piece of relationship advice that applies to everyone. However, here are a few things that Jeff and I have learned over the decades.

Early, giddy stages of romantic love will fade, but that's probably a good thing. I can't imagine going through the rollercoaster of emotions (butterflies, giddy highs, angsty lows, mushy googly eyes etc) longterm. The next stage takes work and a deeper commitment. It isn't nearly as glamorous and doesn't always feel great but it is TOTALLY WORTH IT. Ultimately, we've found this type of love far more meaningful and satisfying. Plus we DO still have mushy google eye moments, even after all these years. 🩷

Treat the other person like you would your best friend. Question to ask yourself: "Would I be talking to my best friend like this?" etc. Helps keep things civil during tense moments.

We give each other space. I know some couples do everything together, have the same friends, etc. Jeff and I do have many shared interests and do have mutual friends, but we also each have our own friends and pursue our own interests as well.

Sometimes, you just have to agree that it's okay to disagree. It can feel frustrating at the time, especially if you are 100% convinced that the other person is wrong, but unless the topic is a huge one that needs resolution in order for you to stay together, don't hammer away at the other person, expecting they'll eventually come to see things your way. Give them space and time to think about it. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. And maybe it's time for YOU to think about whether the other person might have had a good point, as much as you'd rather not admit it. 😉

Learn how to fight. Disagreements are inevitable, big and small. We've found it important to learn how to deal with conflict. Something things we've learned (and are still learning): Do not bring previous arguments into current ones; it just makes things worse. If things get too emotional or heated, take a breather...but then come back when you're both calmer. Avoid retaliatory ('tit-for-tat') communication and behaviour. E.g. you do X to me, so I'll do X to you. SO tempting sometimes! But this type of behaviour tends to escalate.

Learn how to listen.

Learn how to forgive.

Don't go into a relationship assuming you will be able to change the other person. This advice came from friends of ours who had been married 50+ years.

Most important factor for me, even more than communication: respect. Having respect for the other person informs how you communicate, will be your life jacket during especially rough bits. A mutual foundation of respect also builds trust, and that lets us be more open about sharing our insecurities and fears, letting ourselves be vulnerable.

Jeff and I have gone through many ups and downs during the nearly 40 years we've been together but in recent decades, it's been mostly ups. And I continue to feel incredibly grateful to be married to my best friend. 🩷

POLL: What about the rest of you? What relationship advice have YOU found useful in your own situation? I may share a selection of advice from replies.

"Congratulations on 35 years! We are 19 years into our marriage. My advice: Be curious and open to the person your partner will become, while actively learning and growing together. Life changes us, often greatly. My partner is not the same one I married, as am I. We love each other's growth." - @intolerantpacifist.com

"Thank you for this great advice. :) I've been together with my partner for 6 years. we certainly have our ups and downs, but the one piece of advice that I'd share is that the way you say things matters. Take the time to think about how what you’re saying may come across. Think of a way to say what you mean and how you feel, without throwing blame. When this happens, it makes me feel this way instead of I don’t like when you do x because it makes me feel y. I need to get better at this myself. 😅" - @brookie.blog